Chewbaccaella
by Jake M. Parker
Summary: After reading Twilight, a girl who calls herself Bella moves to a small town in Washington. There she sees a table of five, and they all have familiar names. Bella becomes determined to win the heart of the boy named Edward...
1. Chapter 1

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, yada yada.**

**EPOV**

It was supposed to be one of a huge, fun party, for it was the party everyone in school attended before winter break was over. We went back to school the next day. However, I was sitting by myself, off to the side, next to a table with snacks and a bowl of punch on it. I felt like I would inevitably feel at the upcoming prom.

"_Look! _It's Edward Cullen!"

My head snapped towards the sound—the sound of a dozen Twilight fangirls screaming. They rushed past me and struggled to tear down the disco ball that was hanging from the center of the ceiling.

Apparently, anything at all that sparkled was Edward Cullen. I sighed.

It was because of this whole "Twilight" mania that I was unable to find a suitable girlfriend. Apparently, because of this book, the ideal man had turned into a sparkly vampire who could read minds. Unfortunately, I would never be a sparkly vampire, and I there was no way I would ever be able to read minds.

That meant that I would never be able to find a girlfriend, and I'd never get married (unless I slipped a girl some pill that would make her succumb to my every command, but that didn't seem very likely). The only hope for my family's bloodline to continue was in my siblings.

Though, they weren't having the best time in that area, either. If the whole Twilight thing didn't die down by the time we were at our prime age, then Jasper, Emmett, and I were doomed to be single forever.

Oh, and we were also cursed with having the same names of the younger male vampires in the series. How terrible.

And the whole reason I was sitting alone at this party was because of Twilight.

Just great.

* * *

We attended Hoquiam High School, which is, undoubtedly, located in a town named Hoquiam. Hoquiam is one of the rainiest places in Washington State.

My brothers and I sat at a table with our friends Marie Alice Brondon, who just went by Alice, and Rosalie Hail. Had the two not been outsiders from the rest of our peers—Alice was too much of a fashionista to be accepted, and Rosalie was too self-absorbed—we would have sat by ourselves.

At the time, Alice was reading through the newest _Marie Claire _magazine, and Rosalie was using her pocket mirror to stare at herself. Jasper was at the far end of the table, slicing his pocket knife against his wrist. Out of the three of us Collins, he had suffered the most from the Twilight mania. He had turned emo.

The school lunches were horrible, not to mention terribly expensive, which was why none of us were eating anything. I was a thinker, and since there was nothing else to do in the cafeteria except eat—a right we were being denied off—I was daydreaming.

So, naturally, Emmett was the only one to notice that there was a new girl sitting at the table across from us. "Edward," he said, "there's a chick staring at us. We're totally _in_. I mean, if she isn't with the other Twilight girls."

I looked at her.

The very same moment I looked at her, I decided that there was no way it could be a girl, as it was far too hideous. Therefore, I would call the thing an "it."

It was very unattractive—hairy and obese. Huge pimples were growing on its nose and cheeks. Its eyes dripped an odd looking green substance. It turned to talk to the person next to her, and I saw that its teeth were extremely yellow.

"Emmett, why in the world would you want to be _in _with that?" I asked. "What the hell _is _it?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. As long as it's human, I'm cool. The economy is suffering in more ways than one. I'll take what I can get."

I shuddered. "How do you know that it's human?"

"Well…" He glared at me. "Look, I don't, okay? Our dad's a doctor… I'm sure that when I bring her—_it _—home, he can operate."

"Jesus Christ, what has this world come to?" Jasper yelled in the corner.

"Shut up, Jasper," Rosalie said. "Your shriek was so high-pitched that it almost broke my mirror. If _anything _happens to my mirror because of you, I'll sue."

Jasper sighed and scooted over to Rosalie. "Do you have black eyeliner?" he asked.

Emmett sighed. "Maybe we should give the new… _thing _to Jasper. He's the neediest."

I shook my head. "We can't give it to Jasper. We don't own it. It has the right to make its own choices." I frowned. "We should really find out what in the world it is."

"Oh, who cares? Look, one of us is going to get it. You don't seem very concerned, so I suppose it's me against Jasper."

I arched my eyebrows and stared at Jasper. He had already applied the eyeliner and was smothering black lipstick over his face. "I don't really think there's a competition."

* * *

**BPOV**

"You must be Chewbaccaella Duck, the new student," the secretary said as soon as I stepped up to her desk.

I smiled. "Actually, I just go by Bella. And everyone in the school knows who I am, right? I'm sure you've all been talking about my arrival. That's how you knew my name."

She stared at me with wide eyes before saying, "Actually, no. We received your transfer papers last week and I saw a picture of you. No one else in the world can be this ugly. We've begun to call you 'The Ugly Duckling.' That's how I knew."

I rolled my eyes. "You must have your definitions confused." I pulled out my pocket dictionary and turned to the correct page.

"Now, as you can see," I continued, "the definition of duck is:

A common water bird with webbed feet, short legs, and a broad flat beak. It is found all over the world, with the exception of Antarctica. Family: Anatidae

Obviously, I am not a duck. That is just my last name. I am a human, thank you."

"Oh, lord, how is that possible?" she whispered. For some reason she seemed petrified. Or maybe it was astonishment.

Yes—she was astonished by my intelligence. Obviously.

"I would like my school schedule now," I said. "Please make sure that I don't have an English class. I've already taken several years of the language. I believe I know how to speak it properly. I are a good learner."

"Are you serious?" she muttered, scanning over a piece of paper on her desk. After a minute, she finally took out a red pen from her drawer and crossed something out. "That room has a mirror, anyway. We don't need glass breaking in there when you pass by…"

She held up the piece of paper for me. "Here's your schedule. Please, take it and go away."

"Thank you!" I said, grabbing it. Our gazes met for a moment.

All of a sudden she fell back in her chair and started to twitch. "Oh my lord! Oh, God! She's so ugly! _So _ugly! What did I do to deserve this?"

I watched her twitch for another minute, and then skipped out of the room. I glanced at my schedule. The period where I would have English was crossed out in red ink. I smiled happily.

I'd spend that time reading my handy-dandy copy of Twilight.

Of course, _everyone _wanted to be my friend. The only reason they were keeping their distance from me and refusing to look me in the eye was because they were so shy. After my first period class, I managed to catch up with one of the people who were running down the hall.

I forgot her name, but after asking her if I could sit with her at lunch, she said something along the lines of, "God, no! Leave me alone!" That, of course, was code for, "Yes, Bella, I'd love for you to sit with me and my friends. I'll do _anything _you want, because you're the main character!"

I bought my lunch in the cafeteria—odd, after I did that, my wallet was empty—and I looked for the girl. She was sitting at a very crowded lunch table. There seemed to be no room left for another person, but that was impossible! She said she'd _love _for me to sit with her.

I walked over to the lunch table. My gazes locked with a small, fragile-looking girl. She immediately fell off her chair.

Happy, I skipped over to the now empty chair and sat down. "Thanks for holding my seat," I said, poking at her twitching body with my foot. "I really appreciate it."

The whole table had suddenly grown quiet. I shrugged and tried to bite into my apple. To my dismay, it was plastic. But I ate it anyway.

"Who are _they_?" I asked the girl who was sitting next to me.

There were five people at the table. There was a boy with honey blond hair, who was sitting in the back with a pained expression on his face, and a girl with golden hair, who was looking at herself in a mirror. A petite girl with spiky black hair was reading a magazine. The other two boys—the first a big, muscular boy with dark, curly hair, and the second a lanky, less bulky boy with bronze-colored hair—were staring at me.

The one with bronze-colored hair quickly turned away and started to the muscular one.

"Oh, them?" The girl sighed. "The blond girl is Rosalie Hail, and the small girl is Alice Brondon. The boys are all brothers; they're the Collins. Jasper, Emmett, and Edward."

I gasped. "Their names! Just like Twilight!"

The girl shook her head. "They're not vampires."

"How do you know?" I questioned. "Have any of you tried to find out?"

The girl shook her head. "It's not possible. We've seen them eat before. They bring bagged lunches sometimes. You'd just be wasting your time."

"Edward Cullen takes a bite out of a slice of pizza in the book," I contradicted.

"Their names are spelled differently."

I rolled my eyes. "Ever heard of disguises? Gosh, you're stupid." I glanced at their table again. For some reason, Jasper was putting on black lipstick. I smiled. Obviously, his one true love, Alice, was testing out some fashion technique on him.

But, wait… why was Edward all alone?

I gasped. "I'm Bella!"

"Who's stupid now?" the girl next to me muttered, scooting away.

I smiled. The events of Twilight were about to be repeated, except this time, better! Having read the books, I knew what was to happen. I could change it a little.

The first step would be getting to Edward without him suffering from the smell of my blood.


	2. Chapter 2

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**EPOV**

Oh, biology. How I loved biology—it was the one class where I didn't have to sit next to any _Twilight _obsessed girls. There was an uneven amount of students in the class, which meant that I had the huge joint desk all to myself.

I smiled and opened my binder to an empty sheet of paper. I pulled out a pencil and started to copy the objective from the board.

"Class," the teacher, Mr. Bonner said, "we have a new student today."

_Oh, no. _It couldn't be…

"She hasn't arrived yet, but don't be surprised when she steps through the door," he continued. "I've already heard some very rude comments regarding her appearance. I will have none of that in this classroom. You hear me? _None _of that."

I finished copying the objective and put my pencil down. It was definitely the _it_. No, wait—it was safe enough to assume that it was actually a girl, now that Mr. Bonner had said it was. No one would lie to the school about their gender when they registered.

Two minutes later the door opened.

"W-What the _hell_!" I yelled.

The green substance around her eyes had disappeared, and she didn't look so hairy anymore… But maybe that was because a red liquid had patted down her hair. No, it wasn't just _any _red liquid—it was blood, I was sure of it.

_Blood. _Blood covered her body completely. It dripped off her arms and on to the floor. It ran down her nose and dropped on to her lips, but she didn't seem to mind. It covered all of her visible skin, and her clothes were soaked in it too.

The class was silent. Mr. Bonner glanced at a piece of paper on his desk. "Chewbaccaella Duck!" he exclaimed. "Welcome to our biology class. I'll disregard your lateness, seeing as this is your first day. Hopefully you'll be on time tomorrow."

"Yes," she replied. "Thank you. By the way, I prefer to go by the name Bella."

Mr. Bonner smiled. "Okay, Bella. You can sit next to Edward." He pointed at me.

_At me._

"Wait!" I said as she approached the desk. "She's completely covered in _blood_! You don't care? You can't let her sit next to me! _Look _at her!"

Mr. Bonner glared at me. "What did I say to the class earlier about appearances, Edward?"

"Sorry," I muttered. I shut my mouth and stared at the new girl as she sat in the chair next to me. Blood began to drip onto the floor below her and create a giant puddle. I quickly moved my books away from her before any blood could hit them.

Mr. Bonner turned to the board and started to write.

"Why are you covered in blood?" I whispered.

She smiled. "It's lamb blood."

"Where did you get _lamb _blood?"

"The butcher!"

"The butcher let _you _buy _blood_?"

She blinked. "I was supposed to talk to the butcher about this?"

I scooted my chair over to the end of the desk and pinched my nose. This was unbelievable. No one even really seemed to care. They all continued on normally, as if it were any other day, and if there was not a girl covered in blood sitting in the classroom. I, on the other hand, would not stand for that.

"Why are you pinching your nose? Why did you move away?" she asked. Before I could say, _Because I'm annoyed, _she asked again, "What's wrong? Is the blood bothering you?"

"Yes!" This girl really _was _utterly clueless!

"Oh, darn," she muttered. "I thought that lamb blood would cover up my own scent."

"Your own scent?"

"The scent of my blood."

I furrowed my brows. "What—"

"See, I thought that if I covered myself in lamb blood, you wouldn't be bothered by _my _blood so much. I know you can stand the scent of lamb blood. I thought it would make you want to go hunting at worst, which is something you do often anyway."

"What are you _talking _about?" I demanded.

She smiled. "I know your secret."

"_What secret?"_

"Oh, don't act dumb. I know about you, Edward Collin… or should I say _Cullen._"

No.

"And it's obviously working because you're not bothered by the scent of _my _blood, right? So I did the right thing!" Her smile grew wider.

"I-I think you've got the wrong idea," I said quickly.

"Nope. Obviously the _Twilight _books are made just for us. _Twilight _was intended to tell us about what would happen when we first met… the other books are what happen after. Stephenie Meyer is probably a psychic or something like that. She was telling us how to avoid all of the bad things that could happen!"

"I—"

"I saw you sitting at lunch with Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie, and Alice."

I stared at her. She was crazy. An absolute nut. She honestly thought I was a vampire… She honestly thought I was _Edward Cullen _from _Twilight_! She was just another _Twilight_ fanatic!

No, not a fanatic. This was too extreme. She thought she was _Bella _and that we were soul mates—or something along those lines anyway. She thought…

I looked at the desk in front of me. It was hard enough; it would have to do.

I had to escape her.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and hit my head against the surface of the desk.

Everything went black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**BPOV**

"Edward?"

I stared at him. He head lay on the desk, face turned towards me. His eyes were closed and his lips were parted just a little. His chest moved up and down steadily.

I touched his cheek, leaving a spot of lamb blood on it. He still did not move. That was weird… I was sure he would have done _something_. I mean, _blood _was right on him!

"Edward?"

"Hey, what's wrong with Collin?" a voice behind me asked.

I turned around in my seat. "Nothing," I said. "See, he's just sleeping." I smiled, glad to be in on the secret. It was just because the lesson was too boring for him. How many times had he been through biology already? He was just _pretending_ to be asleep.

The teacher walked over to our desk. "What is the problem, Bella?"

"Nothing," I said. "Edward is just—"

"Actually," the kid behind me interrupted, "I think there's something wrong with Collin there."

The teacher took Edward's face in one of his hands and squeezed the back of his neck with the other. He stared at Edward for a moment and then made a loud shrieking noise. He jumped away from our desk. Edward's head fell back on to the desk with a loud _thump_.

"Ew!" the teacher screamed. "Ew, ew, _eww_! Edward Collin is unconscious! _And there's blood on his cheek!_" With that, he ran out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

The class sat in silence for a moment before someone yelled, "He's gone! We're alone!"

A cheer went throughout the students.

As everyone started talking and moving around the classroom, the kid behind me came up to my desk. "Hi," he said. "I'm Mick." He held out his hand but then took it back quickly. "Sorry… I didn't… I'll call the nurse, okay?"

"Why?" I asked. "He's just sleeping."

"I think Mr. Bonner would know if someone is unconscious or not." Oh. So that was the teacher's name. "Plus, he checked."

"What? No." I nervously looked around the classroom. I _had _to cover up for Edward. If he went to the school nurse they'd find out he wasn't human. "Edward's just a really heavy sleeper."

"I don't think so…" Mick narrowed his eyes at me. "You just moved here. How would you know about Collin's sleeping habits? Unless…" He shook his head. "No, you're not a stalker. Anyway…" He walked towards the wall next to the door, where the phone was.

I followed him, unsure of what to do. "Why do you call Edward by his last name?"

"I don't know." He shrugged, and then mumbled, "I think it makes me seem cooler. I need a life…"

"Are you _sure _you want to call the nurse?"

"Yeah." He picked up the phone and dialed a number. "Can I be redirected to the nurse's office please? Thank you…"

I sprinted back to my desk and took Edward's face in my hands. "You have to wake up now," I told him. "They're getting the school nurse. If you don't do something, they'll find out about you. And then you'll have to move."

I started to panic. My breaths came out as short gasps. "And you know what happens if you leave. You know about Jacob and how you'll have to go to the Volturi to kill yourself. Edward, _please_! I don't know you but I know you because I _do _because of _Twilight_ and I love you, so _please_!"

I waited for him to do something, to do anything. But there was no reaction.

"Edward," I cried.

Mick came up to me. "Hey, get away from him," he said. "You're getting more blood on him. Mind telling me why you're drenched in that stuff, anyway?"

_"No!" _I yelled.

He took a step back. "Okay, okay. Geez… I—hey, the nurse is here." I watched him as he hurried over to a figure dressed in all white came into the room. "Collin is over there," he said. "And I think there _might _be something wrong with Bella…"

The nurse looked at me. "Oh, dear!" she said. "Why are you drenched in blood?"

"Well." I was glad to take the attention away from Edward, to stall for him. Surely he knew what he was doing, but I was going to give him one last chance to call it off. I just didn't know how to explain myself.

Mick saved me the trouble. "Please take care of Collin," he said. "Take Bella with you."

The nurse nodded as two more people came in. They were carrying a stretcher. The nurse pointed to Edward and they hurried over to him. They hoisted him on to the stretcher and hurried back out of the room.

"Come with me," the nurse said. She walked out of the room.

I stood there for a moment and stared at the kids, my peers. Someone had stuck both ends of a paperclip into a wall socket and smoke was coming out of it. There was a crash as a window broke and a loud snapping sound as someone threw a chair at the wall. It broke in half.

I shrugged and followed the nurse out of the room.

* * *

"You can go back to class now," the nurse told me. "I'll wash your clothes and bring them back to you at the end of the day. I just need your name."

"Chewbaccaella Duck," I told her. "But I just go by Bella."

She nodded and scribbled the name down. "Hurry along now."

"Actually, can I wait for Edward to wake up?" I asked. "He's a good friend of mine, and—"

"You wouldn't want to miss class, would you?"

I stuck my hand in my pocket and searched around for my schedule. My pocket dictionary… no… my keys… no… my wallet… no… my phone… nope. Oh, where _was _it?

I dug around some more, past my knife—in case Edward really needed some of my blood—my pair of binoculars—in case I needed to spy on Edward—and my pen that wrote with invisible ink. Finally I felt the piece of paper and dug it out.

"Actually, I have a free class next period." I smiled. I would have had English next. Good thing I got out of that.

"Okay." The nurse shrugged and went into the back of the room, where her office was.

I watched Edward "sleep" for awhile on the small bed and then snuck out of the nurse's office to go back to my locker. When I got back, I sat next to Edward and read my copy of _Twilight_. Fifty-six pages in, right before the _Twilight _version of me was about to be hit by Tyler's van, I heard a moaning noise from Edward.

I shut my book and looked at him. He shifted around a little and then opened his eyes. Another moan escaped his lips when he saw me.

"It's okay," I told him. "I'm here."

"What happened?" He sounded pained.

"Well, I know you were really pretending to be asleep, because… well, you _know _what you are, but I think you took it too far."

_"What happened?" _he demanded.

"Okay. I know you know anyway, because you were really awake, but I'll recap it for you. Right after you 'fell asleep,'" I said, making air quotes, "Mick said that he thought something was wrong with you. Mr. Bonner came over and looked at you. Mick said that he was testing to see if you were unconscious.

"Then he freaked out because he really thought that you _were _unconscious. Oh, and because you had some blood on your cheek from where I touched you."

He put his hand to his cheek and felt around until he came across the patch of dried blood. He scratched it off and turned to me again.

"He didn't freak out when _you _walked in, but he ran out of the classroom when I had a tiny spot of blood on my cheek?"

"Yep!"

He groaned and slumped down into the pillow. "I need a gun."


	4. Chapter 4

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer and stuff… blarghhhhhh…**

**(This takes place directly after the last chapter)**

**EPOV**

I really couldn't believe what this thing—no, _girl_—had done to me. It hadn't even been an hour since I first saw her in the cafeteria, but somehow she had managed to do _so much_. She'd manage to cover herself in lamb blood, force me to knock myself unconscious, drive Mr. Bonner out of his classroom, and get us both into the nurse's office.

_It hadn't even been an hour._

"But Edward," she said. I turned my head slightly but didn't look her directly in the eyes. I didn't think I could take that. "Why do you need a gun? You don't need it to kill anyone."

I sighed, turning away from her and burying myself into the pillow. "I want to kill myself."

"But…" She trailed off, and then started talking again, furiously. "But you _can't_ kill yourself with a gun, Edward! It's impossible, because you're a… _you know._ Plus, _why_ would you want to kill yourself? _New Moon_ hasn't even happened yet! We're not even halfway through _Twilight_!"

"Look," I said. There was a defeated tone in my voice. "You're obviously confused. I'm not a vampire. No one in my family is. Alice and Rosalie are just _friends_, okay? They don't even have the same name as the people in _Twilight_. Your name isn't Isabella, it's… Chew… Chewwy…"

"Chewbaccaella," she supplied.

"That must be hard to spell. Anyway, your name isn't Isabella. There isn't even a 'Bella' anywhere in your name."

"But—"

"I don't like you. I don't love you. I don't even _know_ you. You're not making a good impression of yourself. You've done nothing but cause utter destruction in my life. Everything's upside down. See, normally I would feel like a jerk for telling you this straight to your face, but now I just feel… nothing."

I heard her gulp. "If that's how you feel, Edward… we can get to know each other better." There was a _thump_, and I looked down to see a copy of _Twilight_ lying on my chest.

"No!" I growled, and sat up. "This isn't me! This isn't _you_! Take it back! I don't ever want to see a _Twilight _book ever again. This has been the worst day of my life. And if every day after this is going to be the same… then I don't…"

She grabbed the book back and put it behind her back. "Okay. You don't have to see this anymore. We can make this work, Edward. I promise. We'll take it slow." She took a deep breath. "You should meet my dad."

"I… I _don't_ want—how is that taking it slow?" I pinched my nose. This girl was too much for me. Maybe there was something mentally wrong with her. It seemed like the only possible explanation…

"Wait," I said. If she really believed it all, then surely there would have to be real life evidence supporting her theory. "Is… is your dad head of the police here?"

"Yup!" she said happily.

"Does he have a gun?"

"Yeah. Oh, that brings back memories. I remember playing with it outside as a little kid. Everything later that evening is pretty blurry, but the headlines the next morning said, 'Fifteen shot dead!'"

I smiled. "I'd be happy to meet your father, Chewba… Chew—"

"Chewbaccaella," she said. "Just call me Bella. Please."

"Okay… _Bella_. I'll meet you after school, in the parking lot. I came here in my brother's car, so I don't have to worry about leaving my ride here. I'll just come with you and we can go directly to your house."

"Okay!" She turned around, and I stared at her backside as she left the nurse's office. "I'll see you later, Edward!"

I sighed and got up from the bed. There was a small table in the corner of the room with a pad of paper and a pen on it. I took them both and began to write.

_Dear Mom and Dad,_

_I am sorry that it has to end like this. Unfortunately, it seemed like this was coming for a long time. Events happened in the literature aspect of this world and they have pained me greatly. Now it has taken too great of an effect on the real world. I do not wish to continue living like this. I am going to pretend to get "in" with the daughter of the head of police. She will take me to their house, and I will take his gun and kill myself with it._

_Hopefully Emmett will deliver this letter to you safely._

_For some reason I feel like no one really knew you two… like your names were never even mentioned or something like that. Well, I'm going to keep it like that, because my hand is cramping up and I'm getting this idea that you never really played a big role in this part of my life, anyway._

_But I loved you._

_To Emmett,_

_I hope that someday you will find someone that is right for you. Just trust me when I say that you definitely to NOT want to be "in" with Chewbarcenelah. Wait for someone who is sane and is not hideously ugly (it's not good if you fall to the ground twitching every time you look at your wife)._

_Or you can follow my path. I completely understand._

_Jasper__—_

_I will save a bullet for you._

_Farewell all,_

_Edward Collin_


End file.
